Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
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Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?