My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.