How about I get 100% off by already being there
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White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.