Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
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Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀