Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
When someone trying to leave me
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Looking at you, Jesus.