*seductively corrects your posture*
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I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
What a year we’ve had this week.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.