Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing