Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
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Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend