I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
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I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
getting corrected
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger