*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
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[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Today’s Times
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-