Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.