*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.