Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.