What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
You Might Also Like
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
won’t smith
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth