[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Rooting for the overdog
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.