Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.