Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Sponch
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs