Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*