The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.