Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
no their not
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
No chill.