Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.