Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
When you kidnap a writer.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
6: are snakes just neck?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???