Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
You Might Also Like
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad