God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.