[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.