H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left