When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
What
Oops
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.