Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.