3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
tis the season
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Has there ever been a more American story?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.