I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?