My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!