It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
The smoothest fall of all time
new year update: losing everything but weight
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
How times have changed.