I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Who did it better?
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.