[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.