I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
How to make infinite energy.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
i now pronounce you bounced.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS