surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
You Might Also Like
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”