[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
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Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.