Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
You Might Also Like
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.