My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
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I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?