barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
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ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*