The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
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I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
me opening up to someone
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great