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Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
This meal prepping shit is easy