Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
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We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I forgot how to panic. Help
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”