If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
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if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?