The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
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I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.