I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
You Might Also Like
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.