One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!