dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
You Might Also Like
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
never forget
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*