Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment