[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
You Might Also Like
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
How software testing works
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”